Tired but not sleepy yet.....

Hey everyone. Long time no blog :) Sorry, time seems to slip away from me more then I would like these days. I am hoping to take Sunday to check up on all of you via blogs and twitter!

Anyone have a great weekend? I have been spending a lot of quality time with the hubby so I have to say its a great weekend! I have not had to leave the house and well, I like that too! Another thing that made it nice? While hubby tried to get me to eat junk/sugar on Friday, he did not on Saturday. He continues to eat his while I eat my lower calorie veggies, chicken, etc. It still would be easier if he would diet too so that I didn't see his food or smell it.....because while I wish that I did not want that food, I do.

I just have finally had enough of this chunk and am going to get rid of it. It would have made for a much nicer summer if I could have gotten myself under control and have been at goal for summer and able to wear all of my amazing tiny wardrobe......but this will be my last fat summer.

Its not coming off easy but I am working on it and I won't give up. I will see those beautiful numbers to be proud of again. I will see all of my bones......its unfortunate really that some show now because they will be a bit too there when at goal......but once the chest bones show, I will feel pretty good (I hope). I wish they would all be similar because even at high weights my spine and clavicles show, so when I lost all of that, well they are too prominent and hard to hide and I really do not like to draw attention to myself!

I am trying to do more weight lifting then last time and eat more protein. I am hoping that this will allow me to lose more fat and not muscle, possibly making me tiny and lean and not with the unhealthy, frail, ready to pass out look? Of course I am not planning to go as low I did before either......I only hope once I am in the groove and so close that I can stop myself from getting unhealthy as I have done damage to my health already and do not want to add more!

Anyone see Tosh O on the comedy channel? Watching some of the most hilarious videos right now! Too funny. I really need to get some sleep soon though......I still have not gotten the time right on my blog posts....its really after 3am here!

Slowly but surely

• Weight is coming off but at a snail's pace.
  
• Better than a gain I suppose
• Have not eaten junk or binged in quite some time (for me), working on 2nd week
• Plan to continue that streak!
• The weight will come off
• No one will deter me, not even myself!

Yet another day

• Still on track
• Hope the scale cooperates soon
• Restriction and exercise today ~ yay
• Hope you all are doing well!
  

Been awhile....

• Sorry I was off of here longer than planned!
• Found out my parents are fighting again and its physical
• Would have been better if it had been something my brother did
• Not sure how it will end as it doesn't seem like something solveable at this point
• So while I ate well and according to plan when we went out with my parents that night, I came home and drank and binged because I was stressed out over how this will end
• I am not sure who will end up hurt the worst. Years ago it was always mom
• They are much older and dad more frail and mom fights back
• I am worried about them both but trying not to think about it as much as possible
• Bad eating went Friday night, again Saturday night. I did excellent Sunday and then drank and binged again Monday......did great again Tuesday through Thursday....
• Friday we got some good news and hubby wanted to celebrate. I kept saying things like, why celebrate by getting fatter, I don't want the scale to go up, I am back on a good roll, etc but he looked very sad.
• I could have gone and not eaten badly but I ate badly.....
• Saturday was hard. We had a family get together which was fun and I saw my nieces, sister and brother.
  
• There was food galore and some of my very favorites (thanks mom). Mom kept saying oh you don't need to lose any weight. Come on eat stuff today and celebrate and start over Sunday or Monday.
• I wanted to but I did not. I had taken my own food. I ate half while they ate dinner and half while they ate dessert. I did munch on some of the vegetable tray mom had later while they all decided to eat more of everything.
• I was feeling so good by Friday about being on track and not constantly thinking about bad food. Now that I ate bad Friday, well its all I can think about......
• I felt stressed and unsettled today. Partly because of my parents and partly because of my weight/body and wanting to yet not wanting to eat bad......
• Hopefully I can do well the next few days and be back on track!
• Also hoping to catch up with all of you sometime on Sunday and catch up on twitter too!
  
• I hope all of you are doing well....I know weekends can be harder.

hiding it all away, briefly

• Well I need to drag myself out of bed earlier so I am off to bed
• Lots of cleaning before my parents get here at 2pm Friday
• There is all of the regular cleaning
  
• There is the removal of all that hangs around the house, the lamp shades, the bathroom, the kitchen on cabinets & refrigerator......you name it, its all up again to help me stay on track with no binges
• It won't need to be up forever but for now the need is there
• Pictured below are not my dream jeans I am longing to be in but they are cute and a size three so they are up in the kitchen since those will fit long before the 00's......
• The other is my bathroom mirror.....I can focus on it instead of my reflection since I try not to directly look
• Yep, I am screwed up but what can you expect since I have had these issues for 30 years? Hard wired and wish it had never begun......

Day 6....

• Well I couldn't sleep until about 6am which meant I slept my day away
• So did not feel like exercising but I forced myself to get a little in anyway
• It would have been easy to say to myself its okay to skip it since the scale went down today
  
• Tomorrow is dinner out with the parents for Father's Day to a buffet
• I plan to eat slowly, drink lots of water and stick mostly to raw salad veggies & fish
  
• Had half protein shake and my supplements, 1 quart of water before exercise
• Exercise consisted of kettlebell circuits, each circuit 6 minutes followed by a 2 minute rest
• Completed 3 circuits for a total of 24 minutes which was so hard. I am such a wimp.
• I then sat down to rest and breathe and caught up on my twitter
• Just now I finished up the last of my wimpy exercise
• Treadmill Intervals: 1 minute walk 4mph followed by 1 minute run (or jog but for me I am not a runner and it feels like running with my lungs!) at 6mph.....all at an incline of 5 which says it burned 111 calories in 10 minutes and I went 0.83 mile
• I wanted to do 15 minutes or more but the last time I pushed myself I was sick with my breathing (asthma) and muscle issues (neuromuscular disorder) for about 2 weeks.....so I stopped.
• Its hard because I am an all or nothing girl and once I get in the groove of restriction and exercise, well I want to restrict as much as I can and exercise for very long periods of time, every day
• Now that my health is so messed up, I can't do either but in my head I soooooo want to!
• Ok, I am off to shower after the exercise and will update before I sleep with my total intake, exercise and net calories for the day!
• Wish me luck tomorrow not only with the food but something is going on with my parents and I am not sure what.....my sister had said mom didn't come to their house for Memorial day because she was sick.....mom said in an email the other night dad was sick.....so I emailed and asked if he had what she had over Memorial day or was she just using illness to get out of going that day and she said she was sad that day and now she thinks that dad is very sad, then she asked me to delete the email and not send that back.....so I am not sure if its because they had been fighting or if it has to do with them spending time at my Grandpa's (dad's dad) house cleaning things out (he passed away January 2008 and his birthday would have been this month) or if maybe my brother has done something again.....she said she will tell me when she can but I am not sure if we will get the chance tomorrow if she can't talk about it in front of dad......oh and after dinner we are heading to visit my Grandma (mom's mom and my last living grandparent) and there will be lots of relatives there....ugh. I am not even good with that situation when I am not fat.....
• Ok, hope you all are doing well.....I will update totals later.
• I ended up doing a 20 minute sauna before my shower.....125 degrees and tiring!
  
• Totals for today: Intake 573, exercise (including sauna) 361 leaving me with a net calories of 212

About me.....

• This could be triggering so please if you are recovery oriented, do not read....

• I am not looking for help and I am not looking to be healthy at this time
• My blog will be open and raw and selfishly is for me this time.....
• I will post when I restrict, numbers, if I purge, thispiration, etc so avoid if you need to and please don't give me advice on what I need to do to recover......
  

• Never officially diagnosed but consider myself EDNOS
• Will be 39 this year and will be married 21 years this year, both in the fall
  
• All of this started when I was 9 (b/p, starving & cutting and did not learn it from anyone and would rather not talk about why I needed an escape/coping mechanism)
  
• Have had times of *healthy* but they never last more then 6-7 months
• Hubby knows all that I do as I am honest and would rather not hide it from him since I hide it from everyone else. He is my soulmate and if there is dishonestly in the relationship, well it always comes out to be him......doesn't happen often though
• We have struggled in the marriage but who doesn't? Wouldn't want life without him!
• I have done about everything.....every diet known to man, binge/emotional over eating, binge/purge, over exercise, restriction that has been anywhere from water fasting for a couple weeks to less then 200 calories for weeks and all over the place 200-800.....there was a time for many months that I fasted and over exercised and yes made myself very sick.....I have had days in the past that I would exercise for hours a day, every day of the week, burning over 2200 calories per day without intake....laxatives, diet pills and things I would rather not mention.
  
• I have had times of healthy weight loss, eating healthy with healthy amounts of exercise
  
• I have had times of major weight gain (the past 2 years due to binges and not enough purges)
  
• My metabolism is messed up big time and you would think that over eating for 2 years and gaining so much would have reset it to where I can lose easily now but that is not the case
• I have tried to lose it and keep failing but think that I will do it this time and feel like a switch has been flipped to be *in the zone* to lose.....its hard though and I am pushing through it and hope the cravings and wanting to binge go away since the stress has not
• My job is stressful as well as my home life since hubby lost his job. My health is not great and working full time is difficult....so I turned to food to soothe myself and yes I regret it every day that I fail.....every day I put on my work clothes and know that is about all I have that fits....I do have one pair of fat pants that I painfully squeeze into when I am going somewhere other then work but over all I try to not go anywhere when I can help it
• I am choosing to trigger myself, look at thinspiration, read blogs of others who are doing it successfully and yes lose weight in a non-healthy way.....I know that I could easily spiral down the opposite way and go too far....it has happened before
• At this point I do not care and am ready. I can't fit into anything. I abhor everything about my body and it effects every aspect of my daily life, work, dreams, sex, everything......
• I have an entire wardrobe of 0's and 00's waiting for me.....once upon a time I wore those very baggy, hiking them up with prominent hipbones and I am embracing that mindset to get back to it!
• I am an emotional binge eater when life gets stressful but there have been times when the stress has been more severe then it is right now and that puts me into major restriction mode, can't eat.....
  
• I am freaking huge right now, it is disgusting and I hate that I have let it get this far
• Okay so stats.....
• Let's see, I am 5'4". At my heaviest I weighed 159 and that was like 15 years ago. When I met my husband I was 123 and when I married him I was 117 and I had starved to get there.....my thinnest may not be thin to many on here but the lowest I attained was 96.4lb and all of my clothes were falling off of me. My health was failing and I still felt fat and wanted to be lower.....in 2007 I was losing and made it to 109.9 and still trying to lose more in a healthy way. I started gaining from the stress of having to go back to working full time and was easily back into the mid 120's. In 2008 after a death in the family I hit 143......I started lowcarb and by mid May I was back in the mid 120's.....I have consistently climbed up and maintained in the 130's to 140's since then
• End of May I weighed in and was horrified to be higher then I thought and started dieting that day.... easily persuaded to eat bad though I continue to binge :(
  
• Due to some now chronic health conditions I can no longer take the good diet pills, caffeine, etc without consequence.....I also can not do even normal amounts of exercise, let alone over exercise.....so that leaves me with some exercise and restriction......
• My goal is low but not as low as I have been in the past......I also want to have a small amount of leeway for planned cheats and be able to fluctuate and once hitting a certain number then its going to be back to major crash diet.....of course I know that is far, far away but I have to keep thinking about it in order to get there.
• When I lost so much last time I felt decent (in clothes) at 103 and just a few pounds less at 96.4 everything was an effort and I never felt well and my health was failing......so as much as double digits call out to me I have told hubby I will try to stay 101-103 and not go under 100.....my clothes all fit me well at those weights, comfy with wiggle room and some baggy.....they just aren't totally falling off and that will have to be okay.....I see chest bones at that weight and am very ribby but unfortunately still have that tummy pooch.....mom and dad have it too so am guessing it will never leave without plastic surgery......but hey at those weights it will be much smaller than I currently am!
  
• I am using an application that sets me up to lose 2lb per week and hit goal by mid October. I would like to reach that much faster but it depends on how my body responds....just a few short months ago when I was trying to lose, I was keeping calories 800-1000 per day, lowcarb and exercising 3 days per week and only lost half a pound a week.....so I can only hope that it doesn't slow down to that pace again!
• I know some will read this and say I am grotesquely fat and others will say I am not fat at all......I am currently 23lb less then my highest weight ever but I am 39.6lb fatter than my low and that is the worst....not to mention, its all fat with big stomach, side rolls that overhang and even my thighs swish together at tha top.....the butt? Well lets just leave it to say I can't see why hubby would want to ever have sex with this and at this weight I do not love sex or mirrors or even sitting clothed!
  
• I would love to be feeling better about myself by our anniversary......so I have a lot to lose and it has to be as fast as it can be
• Saturday ate 784 calories, burned off 264 through exercise and had 520 net calories for the day.....this was 377 calories under my daily allowance
• Sunday I binged like no one's business.....tallied my calories up to 3800, purged majority of it but only deducted 1/3 and it says net calories were 2596 which was 1708 over my daily allowance
• Monday started TOM and was shocked that I lost but figured it was dehydration from purging. Worked, had half protein shakes and supplements and had 177 calories for the day which was 701 under my daily allowance
• Tuesday had 281 calories for the day which was 590 under my daily allowance
• Wednesday my total calories will be 878 which is 16 calories over my daily allowance.
  
• Okay, all caught up......so enough about me.....