This could be triggering so please if you are recovery oriented, do not read....
I am not looking for help and I am not looking to be healthy at this time
My blog will be open and raw and selfishly is for me this time.....
I will post when I restrict, numbers, if I purge, thispiration, etc so avoid if you need to and please don't give me advice on what I need to do to recover......
Never officially diagnosed but consider myself EDNOS
Will be 39 this year and will be married 21 years this year, both in the fall
All of this started when I was 9 (b/p, starving & cutting and did not learn it from anyone and would rather not talk about why I needed an escape/coping mechanism)
Have had times of *healthy* but they never last more then 6-7 months
Hubby knows all that I do as I am honest and would rather not hide it from him since I hide it from everyone else. He is my soulmate and if there is dishonestly in the relationship, well it always comes out to be him......doesn't happen often though
We have struggled in the marriage but who doesn't? Wouldn't want life without him!
I have done about everything.....every diet known to man, binge/emotional over eating, binge/purge, over exercise, restriction that has been anywhere from water fasting for a couple weeks to less then 200 calories for weeks and all over the place 200-800.....there was a time for many months that I fasted and over exercised and yes made myself very sick.....I have had days in the past that I would exercise for hours a day, every day of the week, burning over 2200 calories per day without intake....laxatives, diet pills and things I would rather not mention.
I have had times of healthy weight loss, eating healthy with healthy amounts of exercise
I have had times of major weight gain (the past 2 years due to binges and not enough purges)
My metabolism is messed up big time and you would think that over eating for 2 years and gaining so much would have reset it to where I can lose easily now but that is not the case
I have tried to lose it and keep failing but think that I will do it this time and feel like a switch has been flipped to be *in the zone* to lose.....its hard though and I am pushing through it and hope the cravings and wanting to binge go away since the stress has not
My job is stressful as well as my home life since hubby lost his job. My health is not great and working full time is difficult....so I turned to food to soothe myself and yes I regret it every day that I fail.....every day I put on my work clothes and know that is about all I have that fits....I do have one pair of fat pants that I painfully squeeze into when I am going somewhere other then work but over all I try to not go anywhere when I can help it
I am choosing to trigger myself, look at thinspiration, read blogs of others who are doing it successfully and yes lose weight in a non-healthy way.....I know that I could easily spiral down the opposite way and go too far....it has happened before
At this point I do not care and am ready. I can't fit into anything. I abhor everything about my body and it effects every aspect of my daily life, work, dreams, sex, everything......
I have an entire wardrobe of 0's and 00's waiting for me.....once upon a time I wore those very baggy, hiking them up with prominent hipbones and I am embracing that mindset to get back to it!
I am an emotional binge eater when life gets stressful but there have been times when the stress has been more severe then it is right now and that puts me into major restriction mode, can't eat.....
I am freaking huge right now, it is disgusting and I hate that I have let it get this far
Okay so stats.....
Let's see, I am 5'4". At my heaviest I weighed 159 and that was like 15 years ago. When I met my husband I was 123 and when I married him I was 117 and I had starved to get there.....my thinnest may not be thin to many on here but the lowest I attained was 96.4lb and all of my clothes were falling off of me. My health was failing and I still felt fat and wanted to be lower.....in 2007 I was losing and made it to 109.9 and still trying to lose more in a healthy way. I started gaining from the stress of having to go back to working full time and was easily back into the mid 120's. In 2008 after a death in the family I hit 143......I started lowcarb and by mid May I was back in the mid 120's.....I have consistently climbed up and maintained in the 130's to 140's since then
End of May I weighed in and was horrified to be higher then I thought and started dieting that day.... easily persuaded to eat bad though I continue to binge :(
Due to some now chronic health conditions I can no longer take the good diet pills, caffeine, etc without consequence.....I also can not do even normal amounts of exercise, let alone over exercise.....so that leaves me with some exercise and restriction......
My goal is low but not as low as I have been in the past......I also want to have a small amount of leeway for planned cheats and be able to fluctuate and once hitting a certain number then its going to be back to major crash diet.....of course I know that is far, far away but I have to keep thinking about it in order to get there.
When I lost so much last time I felt decent (in clothes) at 103 and just a few pounds less at 96.4 everything was an effort and I never felt well and my health was failing......so as much as double digits call out to me I have told hubby I will try to stay 101-103 and not go under 100.....my clothes all fit me well at those weights, comfy with wiggle room and some baggy.....they just aren't totally falling off and that will have to be okay.....I see chest bones at that weight and am very ribby but unfortunately still have that tummy pooch.....mom and dad have it too so am guessing it will never leave without plastic surgery......but hey at those weights it will be much smaller than I currently am!
I am using an application that sets me up to lose 2lb per week and hit goal by mid October. I would like to reach that much faster but it depends on how my body responds....just a few short months ago when I was trying to lose, I was keeping calories 800-1000 per day, lowcarb and exercising 3 days per week and only lost half a pound a week.....so I can only hope that it doesn't slow down to that pace again!
I know some will read this and say I am grotesquely fat and others will say I am not fat at all......I am currently 23lb less then my highest weight ever but I am 39.6lb fatter than my low and that is the worst....not to mention, its all fat with big stomach, side rolls that overhang and even my thighs swish together at tha top.....the butt? Well lets just leave it to say I can't see why hubby would want to ever have sex with this and at this weight I do not love sex or mirrors or even sitting clothed!
I would love to be feeling better about myself by our anniversary......so I have a lot to lose and it has to be as fast as it can be
Saturday ate 784 calories, burned off 264 through exercise and had 520 net calories for the day.....this was 377 calories under my daily allowance
Sunday I binged like no one's business.....tallied my calories up to 3800, purged majority of it but only deducted 1/3 and it says net calories were 2596 which was 1708 over my daily allowance
Monday started TOM and was shocked that I lost but figured it was dehydration from purging. Worked, had half protein shakes and supplements and had 177 calories for the day which was 701 under my daily allowance
Tuesday had 281 calories for the day which was 590 under my daily allowance
Wednesday my total calories will be 878 which is 16 calories over my daily allowance.
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